


Too Much, But Never Enough

by Penndragon27



Series: Penn's Midnight Fics [10]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Tony, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Family, Family Feels, Gen, Growing Up, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, nothing explicit tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-26
Updated: 2019-12-26
Packaged: 2021-02-26 18:08:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21972721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Penndragon27/pseuds/Penndragon27
Summary: Howard Stark was not the first person to hold his son, he wasn’t even the second. That honour went to Peggy Carter.
Relationships: James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark, Peggy Carter & Tony Stark, Pepper Potts & Tony Stark, brief Pepper Potts/Tony Stark
Series: Penn's Midnight Fics [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1321043
Comments: 8
Kudos: 104





	Too Much, But Never Enough

Howard Stark was not the first person to hold his son, he wasn’t even the second. That honour went to Peggy Carter.

Maria passed her the pink and wriggling baby and she looked at his tiny face. He was crying and Peggy knew from the loud shrieks that this one would have a big mouth. Maybe like his father, but hopefully more like her if she had anything to do with it.

And she would. She wanted everything to do with this child who was barely a minute old and already carried the weight of Howard’s legacy. This child, whose father was halfway across the world because he couldn’t bear to miss a meeting.

“You’ll do great things,” she whispered. “And hopefully, in spite of that, you’ll be good, too.”

He would have to be great, being Howard’s son. But beyond that, she couldn’t say. Maybe, when Howard saw those tiny ears and the tiny nose and that tiny smile he’d change. Maybe he’d stop drinking and working on becoming the man he was before losing Steve.

She didn’t want to hope, though. Maria was asleep in her bed, brow still shining with sweat, and Peggy kept a tight grip on the now quiet baby. She pointed a pinky at him and he wrapped his little fingers around it, holding fast.

“Don’t worry, sweet,” Peggy smiled. “I’m not going anywhere.”

* * *

The Stark mansion was sparkling with tinsel and red ornaments. The Commandos were sufficiently tipsy and kissing anyone under the mistletoe and it was the brightest Peggy had ever seen it. The dark, looming halls were filled with drinks and laughter, Maria looking relaxed for once.

Peggy ducked into the kitchen in search of Anna’s infamous cinnamon cookies, but was beaten there by a tiny hand reaching onto the counter.

Resisting a fond smile, she put her hands on her hips.

“It is nearly eleven o’clock, mister.”

The hand disappeared and instead a head peeked out. Tony assumed a guilty expression, even thought it was probably false.

“But Anna only makes them on Christmas.”

“And how many have you had already?”

“None.”

Peggy wanted to laugh, but Tony’s eyes were round with sincerity. He was telling the truth. Anna wasn’t in the kitchen, having gone home once everything was prepared for the party, so Peggy knelt in front of the six-year-old.

“Why haven’t you had any? Anna always gives them to you right from the oven.”

Tony shrugged, eyes falling to the ground in an instinctual deference only Howard’s son could achieve.

“Dad was mad, I was in my room all day.”

“On Christmas?” Peggy didn’t know why she was surprised, given that this was Howard. She was still furious, though.

Tony nodded, hands twisting together in a habit Howard was still trying to break.

“Obie got me a train set and I took it apart to see how it works. I made it so much faster, but Dad said it was rude to break a gift.”

Peggy sighed. “Was Obie upset?”

“No. He said it was cool,” Tony’s lips curved in a small smile. “He said I’m gonna be a great engineer someday.”

“But Howard was still mad.”

“He broke it. He said it was rude to break a gift, but I only fixed it, he’s the one who broke it.”

Tony’s bottom lip trembled, but no tears fell. The last time that happened, Howard had shouted about Stark men being iron. Peggy remembered the crying baby from the hospital and wondered if this boy would ever allow himself to cry again.

Determined, Peggy stood up and wrapped some cookies in a napkin.

“Has anyone ever told you that adult parties are dreadfully boring? How about we have our own Christmas upstairs?”

Tony’s eyes widened. “Really?”

“Really.” Peggy took his hand, allowing herself to be dragged upstairs.

* * *

Peggy didn’t know why her doorbell was being rung at midnight, but whatever she was expecting it was not the scrawny form of a twelve-year-old Tony Stark.

“What in heaven’s name are you doing here?”

He stepped into the light and Peggy saw that his right eye was ringed in a dark bruise. Her jaw dropped and she couldn’t trust herself to speak without cussing Howard’s name to all hell, so she merely moved to let Tony in and led him to the kitchen.

When they both had a strong cup of tea and he had a pint of ice cream pressed to his face, she finally spoke.

“I can have him killed, if you want. I know I don’t speak about my work often, but it can be made to happen.”

She wasn’t sure if she was joking or not, but Tony cracked a smile so she counted it as a win. She wanted to ask what happened, but also knew it didn’t matter. Howard had hit his son and there was no excusing it, no one to blame but the man himself.

Tony put the ice cream down and stared into his cup.

“He was drunk. It’s only when he’s drunk.”

“He’s always drunk,” Peggy said and Tony couldn’t respond. She used to watch what she said in front of him, wanted to let him enjoy being a boy, but Tony hadn’t been a boy in a very long time.

Tony’s hand left the ice cream to settle in the middle of the table. Peggy reached over to hold it, clutching tight to warm the cold fingers.

“Do you think I’ll ever be enough?”

Peggy sighed, feeling like a hypocrite as she refused to cry in front of Tony.

“You’re too much, Tony. He will never be enough for you.”

* * *

Tony moving to MIT was equal parts happy and sad. Peggy was proud of him, of course, and she was ecstatic he could finally be away from Howard, but it also meant he was away from her. He kept in touch, as much as he could, but since he was Tony, it was not as much as she wanted.

When he was graduating, still just a teenager because what else would anyone expect of Tony Stark, Peggy went to Boston. She met James Rhodes and thanked him for looking out for her Tony. The poor boy seemed surprise that it was her and Jarvis and Anna thanking him instead of Tony’s actual parents, but he nodded and shook their hands and told them he would always have Tony’s back.

After the graduation, Howard and Maria went back to the hotel. Jarvis and Anna stayed to congratulate and hug Tony, but when Anna grew tired they had to head back too. Peggy took Tony out for a meal, wanting to spend every moment she could with him.

“Honestly, you guys didn’t need to come. It doesn’t really count as a graduation when I’m going to be going right back to studying.”

Peggy rolled her eyes. “Well, so sorry we’re proud of you and wanted to be with you. We’ll try harder in the future.”

Tony laughed. “I know, I know. You love and care for me. But especially with Anna’s health, they shouldn’t have flown all the way-”

“How’s your burger?” Peggy interrupted in the tone that was understood to not be disagreed with. Tony smiled and took a bite before his cheeks flushed pink.

Peggy followed his gaze to where a pretty girl was waving. Tony gave a small wave back and she turned away. Peggy arched an eyebrow.

“Who was that?”

“Um-”

“Hey Tony!”

Another girl called out and Tony nodded in greeting. The place was apparently quite popular with students and many of them seemed to know Tony. Intimately. Peggy noticed many girls casting him longing looks.

She opened her mouth to make a sly comment about it when a guy walked in and gave Tony the exact same expression as the girls had. Tony’s cheeks flushed darker as he waved back.

When Tony’s attention returned to her, she was looking at him expectantly.

“Oh, uh, we were partners on a project.”

“Partners?”

Tony nodded and put down his burger. His hand went to twirl his straw nervously and Peggy sighed.

“You know I love you, Anthony.”

He shrugged. “Yeah, and?”

Peggy took a slow sip of her drink.

“No reason. Just wanted to make sure you knew.”

Tony’s hand slid forward slightly and Peggy placed hers on top, giving a gentle squeeze.

They smiled at each other and nothing else needed to be said.

* * *

Peggy hadn’t held Howard in high regard since they lost Steve and she was especially antagonistic towards him with the way he treated his son. Nevertheless, when she received the news that Howard and Maria were dead, she sat in her room and cried and cried.

That evening, Tony came home from school and went straight to her place so they could cry together.

“She’s gone,” he whispered, shedding the first tears she had seen since he was four. “She’s really gone.”

“I know, sweet Anthony. I’m so sorry.”

He sniffed and wiped his eyes.

“He’s gone, too.”

Peggy nodded.

“Can I- Am I supposed to feel sad? I am, but he-”

Peggy took his hands, holding them tight. “You have every right to feel however you want to feel. He was your father, but he was also a right prat.”

Tony gave a choked laugh that turned into a sob.

“I don’t know what to do.”

“You don’t have to do anything,” Peggy told him. “Just sit with me and we’ll get through this.”

Tony lay next to her, his head on her shoulder.

“Don’t get into any car accidents, Aunt Pegs.”

“I promise you, Anthony,” she said. “I’ll refuse to die until I’m old and feeble.”

“Even then, don’t. You’re not allowed to die before me.”

Peggy gave a smile that was painful to give. “I have to. I would not be able to handle you going first.”

* * *

Peggy had always been frustrated at being moved to a nursing home (she was  _ fine _ , honestly), but it was even more awful when she was stuck there the day she received the news that Tony had been kidnapped.

She was stuck, unable to do anything but dial up every SHIELD contact she had in the hopes that they could do something. She wanted to help however she could, but it was still three months before he was rescued, and four before he was able to visit her.

“Goddamn you, Anthony!” She cried when he entered her room. “I said you couldn’t die before me!”

Tony sat at the end of her bed. “This was me trying to win the argument.”

He tried to smile, but it was hollow. His eyes were looking past her at memories long past, a look too similar to Howard.

“I always win, Anthony, you should know this by now.”

“Of course,” he finally smiled, small and soft. “How could I forget?”

“I heard about Obie, too.”

Tony nodded.

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t visit sooner.”

Peggy shrugged. “If you hadn’t locked me in this hellhole I would’ve been there at the plane the day you returned.”

“You wouldn’t have wanted to be there,” Tony said. “I wouldn’t have wanted you there. Not when I- with me like-”

His voice broke and Peggy reached over to put her hand over his. He didn’t move, his hand staying limp and his body tense with pain that would never leave.

She knew, then, that her Anthony was gone.

* * *

“We saved New York today. Well, it was all me, of course, because I’m the coolest. But the others helped, too. Steve. You remember Steve?”

Peggy’s eyes were glassy, not focusing on Tony on he spoke. He raised his voice as he went on.

“All your stories about Captain America could not prepare me. We don’t get along though, sorry. Maybe someday.”

“Steve,” Peggy said. “He could be an arsehole.”

Tony laughed. “Glad to know you agree.”

Peggy frowned in confusion for a moment before she smiled. “You can be an arsehole as well.”

Tony raised his hands in defeat. “Guilty. The others aren’t so bad, though. Thor is a bit much, but a great guy. Er, god, I guess? And Bruce, he’s the best. He’s just as nerdy as me, I can tell he’ll be my science bro for life.”

Peggy nodded absently, smile fixed on her face. Tony felt his eyes stinging, but kept talking.

“He’s the one who caught me. Well, part of him. He has a bit of an identity thing, but don’t we all. Oh yea, I almost died today. I know I promised not to do that anymore, but it’s difficult when I’m a badass superhero.”

“Don’t swear, Anthony,” Peggy scolded and Tony nodded contritely.

“Of course, Aunt Peggy. You’re always right.”

“I am.”

Her gaze drifted again and Tony stood. He turned to leave, but a hand grabbed his to pull him back. He turned hopefully.

“Howard? Is that you? You reek of scotch. I told you to stop, especially around Anthony.”

Tony swallowed as Peggy let go.

“Of course, Aunt Peggy. I’ll stop.”

* * *

“Pepper broke up with me.”

Peggy’s eyes were closed, but she twitched when she spoke. She was probably awake, just too tired.

“I knew it was coming, but that doesn’t do much. If anything, expecting it is worse. Trying to enjoy every day we had, even the bad ones. Knowing that it was inevitable that soon- that it was almost over.”

Peggy’s eyes opened briefly and Tony smiled, hoping for something. Anything. Her eyes closed again.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Tony went on. “I’m never going to get a girl as good as she was and how could I have been so stupid? You’re right, as always. But being Iron Man… it’s everything. It’s the only thing I can do and feel like I’m doing the right thing, you know? But it was too much for her. You always said I was too much, remember? Do you think there will ever be anyone who’s enough to deal with me?”

Peggy lifted a hand and Tony reached out to take it. He held it for a brief moment before she pulled out of his grip sharply, hand going to rub at her eyes before being set back down. Tony’s hand clenched and returned to his side.

“I still love her, Aunt Pegs. Maybe someday I’ll be strong enough, but I don’t know. I don’t feel strong. I’m not strong. I don’t want to be strong and I can’t lose-”

He broke off and tried again to reach for her hand. Once again she pulled away.

* * *

The funeral was quiet, but there were lots of people. Everyone who met Peggy had loved her and everyone wanted to pay their respects. Captain America was there, of course. Sharon had given a speech.

Tony had stood in the back, practically hiding. He didn’t want anyone to see him or talk to him. He just wanted to say goodbye to his Aunt Peggy. It was stupid, he knew, because she was already gone and the funeral was nothing but a chance for everyone to cry, but Tony liked to think she was watching. She probably hated the flower choice, knowing her. Maybe she hated some of the people who had shown up and was ranting about how they could have the nerve to be there.

He wondered if there was anyone she wanted there who wasn’t. If Howard were alive, would he have gone? Tony hoped that wherever Peggy was, Howard wasn’t.

The ceremony was short and afterwards everyone was talking. Sharing stories and reminiscing. Tony stayed in the back, hands clenched into fists as he tried not to cry.

Then there were two presences as Pepper and Rhodey appeared on either side. They each took one of his hands in theirs, squeezing tightly.

Tony squeezed back and finally let the tears fall.


End file.
